By Ambica Verma
I honestly didn’t take the hostel evacuation notice all too seriously. It was abrupt and the notice read five days. So I grudgingly got back home, sans most of my things.
Now I feel like I’m in an episode of The Russian Doll- the same day plays on loop over and over. A sort of cabin fever has set in two months into the lockdown- our family tends to get on each other’s nerves more easily, and as there seemingly is no date by which I know things will go back to ‘normal’(will they ever though?), I feel the motivation to do anything productive drains away from within me. I keep thinking- what’s the point? I get told off for having become complacent, and not doing enough.
With the way the economy is falling, our jobs, and plans for the future seem to have taken a hit. In this period of downsizing, the last thing on people’s mind is recruiting a bunch of fresh-out-of-college kids. This uncertainty makes me feel cursed. Why did this have to happen to me? Why us?
Social media has stepped up, and helped me stay connected to everyone I care about, but the FOMO I feel after scrolling through is real. Someone’s learning a new language, someone’s doing an at-home workout, and someone else learnt to cook! Why am I not doing something productive and cool? I feel inadequate ever so often, and pretty much put my phone away, only to be on it the next hour feeling yet more inadequate.
I also really miss my friends. This last semester of college was wrenched away from us too fast, too soon. There were no proper goodbyes, no one last times. I don’t know the next time I’ll see them.
But hey, at least I’m spending lockdown with my family. We squabble, but we’re also spending way more time together than we would ever have, and for that I’m thankful. Staying in a hostel for the last five years led to me not being able to stay around my family, and even though we’re snapping at each other, I’m grateful I get to have them around me.
I’m also coming to terms with the fact that it’s okay to take a step back and allow myself the space to just be. Although something like this is subjective and for some of us, staying busy is the answer. You do you! The automatic act of comparing myself to people around me is a pattern I’m slowly trying to unlearn. Trying to feel good about what I AM doing, and letting my mind to do things in its own time is a slow, but gradual process.
It also helps to keep in touch with people I care about, because everyone is fighting their own battles, at a time like this. Our physical safety is a priority right now, but so is our mental health! Please do reach out to friends, family, or trained mental health professionals in this trying time. No problem is small.
My mental health has seen some highs, and a lot of lows since the lockdown began. Some days are good, the others, not so much. I am beginning to learn that it’s okay and I am beginning to take more responsibility for it. Perhaps that is something cool that I am learning during this lockdown.
- Author is a class of 2020 student from Hidayatullah National Law University, Raipur
