-By Khyati Shrestha
I am a woman and I love to masturbate. It gives me a sense of ownership of my body. It helps me to destress myself while also enjoying the process. I also sext my boyfriend at least once a week. I do not keep a count of it, but well, it happens. I am sure that being in a long-distance relationship is hard and that is the only thing we can do to keep the intimacy intact.
So, how many of you have heard a woman say the above lines? If you ask me, then I’d say none. I have never accepted this in front of my own friends. I could never accept it, even when I practically live with them in the hostel. Whereas, it is easier to tell my guy friends about it. They understand things that are related to sex easily as compared to the girlfriends that I have.
Sex is a topic that is still frowned upon in society. Our parents usually avoid the topic for as long as they can. Can you recall their faces whenever a kissing scene comes on the TV? They either pretend to suddenly get busy doing another chore or simply change the channel. They fail to accept that they actually did more than a just kiss to give birth to us. I am sure that it is because of the generation gap and how our society has grown and the way our culture has evolved us, but I think that it is high time that we teach our kids, siblings, and anybody we can the value of sex education.
The reaction to a man getting sexually involved with 5 women in the past year and a woman getting involved with 5 men in a period of one year would be massive. The former would be proudly titled a “Stud” while the woman would be demeaned and called a “Slut”. Isn’t this how we’ve learned? If a woman sleeps around, then call her a slut, and if she doesn’t then call her a whore, so, either way, you win.
We live in a society where women, consent, and sex are hardly ever used in the same sentence except when the sentence is “Women’s consent is immaterial in sex”. But, people fail to realize that sex without consent is rape which is a punishable offence. A sexually active woman is looked down upon in our society. People, and especially men, feel that ogling her is acceptable or maybe she is always ready to share the bed with them. But what they feel to understand is that a woman’s body functions similarly, if not in the same manner, like that of a man when it comes to sex drive.
A sex drive of a person is gender-neutral. It functions on the basis of chemicals and not on the basis of what you have between your legs. Libido is one such hormone that can define the sex drive of a person as it is directly linked to the androgen hormones, i.e. testosterone. Since men have 40 times as much as testosterone in women, they are considered to have a more intense sex drive. Another chemical dopamine also has a huge role to play in libido and motivation.
Women have measurable chemical changes than men which can be seen in their sex drive and the way they perceive sexual pleasure. They place more emotional and cultural value during the process. When a person is inclined towards another because of some emotional or personal relationship that they share, then such a person is called demisexual. Women are thought to be demisexual more than men because they put emotions into physical relationships as compared to men. But according to a survey by Binge Daily, this is partially true. They surveyed many demisexual people, including men and women, and came to a similar conclusion as the one we began this article with: a woman is slut-shamed if she sleeps around whereas a man is a “stud” if he sleeps around.
But, just because most women fantasize less about sex then men doesn’t mean that we can ridicule the comparatively smaller number of women who do not fit under this umbrella. According to a survey posted by The Sun, 283 college students between the ages of 18 and 25 were surveyed and asked to keep a track of the times they think of various activities including sex. It was showed that men happen to think about sex almost 34 times a day whereas women think about the same about 18 times. When the results were compared, it was revealed that men think about sex twice every hour whereas women think about it once every hour. The survey did show a difference, but it wasn’t as massive as what many people might think. There isn’t much difference in how men and women think about sex and their sex lives.
Women usually conceal many facts related to their sex lives, which might range from the frequency of sex to the frequency of masturbation. They usually try to avoid this topic because they are constantly trying to fit in the norms of the society where weekly sex might be too less but thrice a week might be too much. People usually believe that men crave sex as much as they crave food, water, and air but women only need it as a luxury. This is the reason why the few women who have a high sex drive usually face a lot of stigma in society.
The women are not demeaned only by the elders or by the previous generation than ours, but also by their partners. According to a study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, men are threatened by women partners who have a high sex drive. The study also revealed that men’s anxiety level decreased overtime when their female partners showed high levels of emotional intimacy but low levels of sexual desire. This meant that the men remained anxious if their female counterpart was sexually aggressive. But, this was contrary in the case of women as they felt safer and more relaxed in a relationship where their partners showed high levels of sex drive.
In the present scenario, the women with high sex drive are ridiculed and seen as “too easy” or “characterless”. People are very upfront about expressing disgust towards them and treat them as objects. They do not only mock her personally but also use social media for the same. Men and boys aquaintained with them might send them lewd pictures or make passes towards them. They are also cat- called and physically harassed just because of the fact that she not only enjoys the connection she has with her body but is also bold enough to accept the same in front of other people.
Women might not crave sex or other sexual activity as much as men, but they think about it often. They might not want to pounce upon every man they see during their day, but they fantasize about them too. We understand that men are incapable of pleasing us every time because it is normal for them to ejaculate and end the session when they have orgasmed but that does not please us. We feel the need to be satisfied, maybe by using our fingers, or maybe sex toys, or sometimes maybe just by fantasizing. But, to mistreat someone on the basis of the sexual desires or their sex drive is unfair and inhumane. It is wrong to pathologize the sex drive as it is as natural as homosexuality. A person, especially a woman, must be given a right to enjoy her life, and especially her body as and how she pleases, till the point that she doesn’t harm herself of some other person. Everyone should have a sense of connectivity to their body and the manner in which they do it is completely their discretion.
